I’m sitting in my home, and I am bored to tears. I suppose they call this love after 30 years, the problem is I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. I have tried to come to terms with who I am in this world, my marriage, my job, my purpose in life. I discovered almost twenty years ago I really did know love, but the society I was raised in did not give me license to openly explore my passions, so my life became discreet.
When one day I realized we couldn’t go forward, I walked away and returned to my family. My children obviously took precedent and I did everything I could to make sure they have a good life, and today I believe they do. I made mistakes along the way, but I do believe they know what love is in our lives. My spouse and I have had our struggles. If I attend one more support group that gives me a takeaway and tells me that marriage is a compromise I suppose I will go stir crazy.
I’ve tried for years to enhance my relationship ~ creating romantic events ~ exploring ways to enhance our communication, and yet, to no avail. To some, it may sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, and maybe I am but I cannot leave my marriage. If I do it will be perceived as selfish, not trying to find my happiness. I’m stuck, so I was easily flattered when a woman showed me attention 18 years ago. That initial attention turned to love which will be a story for another time.
Tonight, I’m reaching out, I don’t know where, only to let the reader know I have experienced the darkest of my days, and I am hopeful I am stepping out of the chasm as I like to refer to my environment. I need to find a way out or I will do something impulsive. I would devastate my children and I don’t want to do that. I’m so exhausted.
The reality is there is only one person that has the strength to keep me alive and I know everyone might believe it is me, but it is not. That person is responsible for the concept of love and what it means in a world that walks around in a fit of quiet desperation a world of confusion and trepidation. What is remarkable is I know I am not alone.