I’m writing one right now. With these words, everything I want to say is about love. I am not an expert, only a person who feels, and in that respect I think we can all agree we have some say in the matter of love. We know the overwhelming feeling that our heart embraces, we understand the tears, we know the longing and yet when inside the moment, it is probably the most difficult reality to speak about freely.
So today I have tears, they are of a river I have designed over the course of many weeks and yet their flow is always welcome, a sort of cleansing and as I said yesterday, they offer me a freedom from the fear I feel. I don’t wish anyone to believe I am walking around feeling abandoned. That came up in conversation yesterday, and I didn’t have a chance to explain myself, so today I will.
I have abandonment issues. I always have, since as a child, if I knew I was losing someone I would do two things. I would clear my head and move forward and break connections altogether or I would try with all my heart and soul to fix matters. I have never once in my life been successful with the latter because I overcompensated and eventually would push that person I love as far away as they could find themselves without me in the picture. As I write these words of love, this has been my greatest fear.
Yesterday, I realized though, I haven’t been left behind. I felt love yesterday. I could look in eyes, and see the grace and beauty I have come to know. I could smile and laugh in between the tears. I could talk about my embarrassment and no one got up and walked away. She stayed with me, she listened, she believed.
I think love is important for everyone. I think we also get lost in the obligation of love. To me, it is what I feel, not what I need. I have never felt a true love like the one I am experiencing today, and so rather than let the pain interact with my frame of mind, I hold on to what I know to be true.
There are eyes that hold my love, and where deep inside the soul we stay in our preserved safe place, we can choose. I know I cannot choose for someone else, but I will choose for myself, because I have that permission.
So last night, i looked my love in the eye and I told her that no one may ever take away the love I feel for her, and she smiled. She touched me on my knee and I felt her presence, we walked outside into the beautiful winter afternoon and we said good-bye, and I in my natural reflex told her I loved her and I got in my car and I cried.
I know what love is. Love is the pain of realizing we cannot always have what we want, but we can recognize and embrace the beauty of knowing someone at such a deep level that it moves beyond anything fantasy driven and will always be real.
Love is real.