I try to think about other things, moments that can let me feel less tied in, less responsible for causing pain. I think it is easy to feel sorry for yourself when left behind. The reality is I’m alone and there isn’t anything I can do about it, I also cannot really talk to anyone about it. Certainly there are good people here that have listened and would listen again if I asked, however, the reality is, nothing anyone can say will assist me with the grief I feel.
Last week I had contact, the first time in weeks. I felt patronized, and that’s really unfortunate because that thinking was all mine and not hers. The next couple of days we exchanged messages, and that just lit up my world. So I expressed that, and then our lives returned to silence. This week I’ve been strong, giving space, realizing the consequence of my decisions. I fell in love, alone.
So yesterday evening I made a final visit to a familiar gathering place. The last time I was there I looked her in the eye and said even though I knew she would never be here, I still like to come and feel the energy we did create there over the last few years. I know it isn’t the same, though it does offer peace of mind. However that was my last visit.
I feel love walking away, and I need to respect that and let her go. I do know love and will write about its beauty in the coming weeks, but for now, I just need to express this. So why am I sharing it with everyone? I suppose because everyone does know love, and everyone to some degree handles loss and companionship in different manners so if anyone can find a takeaway from this story, it might help them with safeguards before they fall as hard as this story would indicate. Yes, I did fall hard, and the ground is cold.
When love turns away.