I will be 60 soon, It is ironic that I have lived this long. I have never known true happiness except in parts of my life. I recently knew love. Now all I focus upon is the happiness of others.
I recently came to terms with my life. A couple of months ago I came close to death. I managed my meds wrong, and they could very well have been the end of me. I found it frightening, but more so fascinating. I have been suicidal since I was twelve years old. So this happiness thing has kept me alive. It upsets me that I have let nearly fifty years rule my preoccupation with not wishing to live. I have not come to terms with the mistake of my medical needs. More engaging is my having found a way.
In my life I help people. I care passionately about those I am close to, though not always the ones I ought to, more likely the persons I am or have found happiness. Though that foil is misery, I still hold onto hope.
I once held myself to a moment of dropping my life into a river off a high bridge. All I had to do was unclasp my fingers. I have regrets about that day. I wonder today, four decades later what my life would be like on the other side.
Good night moon, you are a lovely reality.