I really do. I cannot help but think of just how pressing my dependence is on a wonderful experience my life has endured. I chose this path on my own, and now I am having a lot of difficulty handling it. A couple of weeks ago, I thought of a vacation I was going on, and knew I would be visiting the Grand Canyon. I thought about stepping off a ledge. Today, we visited the canyon, and I realized just how selfish and horrific my decision would be. I knew already going in I wasn’t going to do anything rash. In fact about a week ago I realized how important my life really is today. I also imagined how the smiles and laughter of all the tourists would turn into confusion and rage at the thought of someone taking their own life.
I think suicide is a real concept in people’s lives and I do believe people have to experience some aspect of a psychosis to pull off such an act. I believe that most people would feel better if they handled their abandonment better than I have in recent weeks. Now today I am faced with again going it alone. I wonder every day, every minute of the day what damage I have done to a person I love very much. Truth be told she is the reason I am sitting here writing these words, because her love, or that fantasy we once lived remains my strength.
I just cannot stay away, for I do surely believe in fate, more specifically than ever before.