I don’t often try to interpret my own writings, but I wanted to break this one down. Hopefully it will help me as well piece together my thinking. I wrote this piece earlier for my Twitter account, many followers the same, yet readers for whom I am grateful … here it is:
I’m not that guy
the one who
lands behind the blame
covers his ideals
so lucky it becomes true
but I’m not him
I haven’t a terrible reason
mostly selfish at best
and then one day,
affection – the kind unknown
to this man.
So when comparisons
there is that … muse
I suppose I was reacting to some of the lambasting that goes on between the writers on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, here collectively in social media. One guy described the women as being ‘wine-drinking soccer moms with fleeting fantasies’ and another described the guys as being ‘men hiding behind terrible marriages they blame their wives for.’ So I wrote this, because I’m not that guy.
I’m the guy that blames himself. I’m the one with a genuine desire to be known as someone who has made the choice to not be happy in my marriage for personal reasons and not those of my wife’s treatment of me. I treated her far worse than she could ever treat me. I was the one starving for attention, and somehow I received it, and because of that my passions at home drifted measurably.
I rather enjoy the people I meet on Twitter, but I would be misusing stereotype if I felt all women and all men came from the same mold. I’d like to shatter that clay.
I wrote the piece above because, I’m not hiding behind anything anymore. I have had conversations with my spouse and have come to the conclusion there is not a lot of progressive optimism in who we are. But let me clear, she is a wonderful person, whom if I make a choice to leave than clearly I am the selfish one. However there is this thing about happiness, and in the last three years, and a decade earlier, I did find just that, for awhile, enough for me to be a believer.
I speak of my muse, the inspiration behind all of my writings in the last few years. I came in here to these pages a naive ‘little’ man in a candy store, and turned people away. Since that realization I have set my sights on being the genuine person I am, a man of true feelings, compassion and a sensitive nature that surely sets me up.
I discovered happiness in recent years, and now am having trouble letting go of it. Thus the need to express my state of mind in poetry.
Thanks for listening, and comments are always welcome.