I’ve been in love.
I’ve discovered the idea of love is a complicated emotion in my life. Many times over the course of my childhood, well into young adulthood, I have believed that love is attainable. But I’ve also always been the victim of giving too much of myself to someone and then experiencing the eventual burn of my faith and trust. I’ve done it to myself, always, it has been my responsibility.
I’ve been married for over three decades, and I’ve come to terms recently that a lot of those years were not happy. We were not a couple that doted on one another, we haven’t and did not live that way for the entirety of our marriage. We tried, we had fun, we had things in common but we had so many differences we never allowed ourselves to be completely lost in love with one another. In fact, we have been very good roommates for many years.
I’ve met many people on social media and I think the most envious situations are those of couples I see on IG and twitter and even here that are just visibly in love with each other. I have no pictures like that – I have no pictures of the romantic nature of my marriage. And now, I no longer will. My marriage is over.
For many years I have written erotica on this site. For a long time it was freeing because I spoke of someone I am very much in love with and remain so to this day. But part of the beauty and tragedy of true love is that which we cannot have. I cannot have the love I feel, and as my marriage ends I am so fully aware of wanting to believe that now I can have what it is I want and yearn. But the reality is I cannot.
What I can have is the freedom to know that I do know what love is. I’ll keep writing here but clearly I need all of you to know, my life is what it is, and I am a respectful man, and I am eternally in love with whom I cannot. But I know it’s love and she is a beautiful reality in my world.