Yeah, I know there is a public out here, but no one I know beyond the words some of you choose to read. The other night, I lined up all of my medication across my coffee table, measured out the more powerful to the weakest combinations. I started from one end, and I quit about halfway through. I got a call from someone, and in the midst of feeling sorry for myself I caught a glimpse of the reality of my actions. But that was yesterday, and tonight I’m in the same place. My life has changed a lot over the course of all of my years, but the one common denominator is I have never wanted to live. I’ve always felt I was meant to survive. So along the way, I found ways to make living worthwhile. I did all the things human beings are supposed to do. I went to school, I achieved, I learned how to ride a bicycle, I kissed my first girl on my 16th birthday, and she really liked me in that moment so it was pretty cool. But along the way I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and those are the reminders that tell me my life is no longer worth living.
I’m an old man, I don’t know what will be remarkable in 20 years that causes me to feel like I should hang around. There are many things I love, many people I love dearly, but there just isn’t enough to overcome this sadness. I have a dog now that walks around and looks at me with doleful eyes. He caught me crying a few minutes ago and came up and nuzzled my shoulder. It was pretty cool, but he’s not enough. He’s just not enough to over come the decades of pain I have felt throughout my life for the mistakes I have made that have helped identify who I am today. I’m a fraud.
There’s no glory in death, only rest. I’m not a hero, I don’t have a legacy. I have a life I have led that has many fortunes. I raised two beautiful children with the help of a woman who was there for the kids, and for that we are a fortunate family. But they are grown now, they have their own lives, and they will do well, there is no question in my mind. I’m the problem, and if I were to check out it would alleviate a lot of worry on a lot of people’s minds. I feel terrible for my children, I love them with all my heart and soul. I feel bad for those I am closest to that I can no longer feel because I have become this bitter and resentful old man.
I write this here because it is an anonymous site. No one knows me here except the few that have taken the time to share their lives with me and for that I am grateful. The beauty part though is the only readers are the ones that see this page, and nothing more about this life of mine. There were some, but they have parted their ways, and I’m thankful because they don’t have to deal with these words any longer. I am grateful for their being a part of my life. They helped me find happiness, something I have cherished all my life and seen very little in the greater scheme of things.
They say that suicidality is a psychosis, when one isn’t in their right frame of mind. The last couple of days I suppose that is true. I haven’t been myself for a very long time. I have been going through the motions, and I have put way too much pressure on the one person I love more than anyone in my life. So my words to that beautiful human being is that she is the gracious elegance I have often tried to convince her to believe about herself. And tonight, as I write this, I want her to know she is the best part of my life.
There really isn’t a way to finish this except to say – que sera, sera …
apersonaljourney - stories of love 