apersonaljourney – stories of love

I discovered this while going through some boxes after my move. This particular moment struck me with a sad note – a favorite centerpiece in my home for nearly 20 years, always one I kept encouraging we keep showcasing rather than bury it away somewhere to be unseen and catch more dust in the ensuing decades ahead. When I realized the bowl had cracked, I rushed out and bought some gorilla glue feeling some hope that I might be able to save, a bevy of twine balls waiting to be rolled into the bowl – I have no idea where we ever picked this piece up, just always enjoyed its intriguing artistry. The glue in hand, I carefully pieced things together and felt like there might be a chance, that I would continue to carry on the legacy of this artwork to start my next chapter.

I think we all have those moments we would like to maintain some memory of rather than just toss them aside and say that was the past, so move forward.I was excited glue in hand, I carefully lined the pieces together, drew the rattan straps back to access the ceramic, believing this would have a positive result.I sealed everything as I felt secure and just held on to the bowl for the next minute in a half, and then I set it back on the work table imagining it would sit in the cool night and naturally seal itself for a future opportunity to be on display again. Not more than  ten seconds after putting the piece on the desk did it suddenly just fall apart , no longer in halves, this time in quarters. I stood in disbelief and the tears just arrived naturally – a way of telling me it was time to say good-bye to this part of my life. This wasn’t about love as much as was about time, and the delivery of my state of mind to a newer chapter, and effort having been made and noted, yet the end result of no dramatic change. A sort of is what it is resignation. I will say i fell into immediate tears believing I was being asked to let go of something I still felt willing to hang onto. It was a symbolic as best no meaning in reality, just a thing, but in my time, a beautiful thing that represented whom I had been for many decades.  So what do I do? Do I just throw it away and toss all the balls of twine that are the center feature in the piece.

Well, I couldn’t quite do that. i sat on my stool and stared at this shattered definition before my eyes and wondered what to do next. So I decided to have a ritual farewell, and gathered all the waiting pieces and arranged them in the manner they would if they made it into my flat to find their familiar coffee table. This last photo I suppose is a strong testament to my decision to continue to move forward. The fact is I had already begun to do that, and have been for quite some time.This just would be a part of me that I would hang onto. Instead I tried to recreate some aspect of the moment before saying good-bye.

What once clearly was a centerpiece in my life was now bidding me adieu. There are special moments in our lives that hold a meaning that no one outside of ourselves can possibly understand, not even the partner we may have shared such tradition with. In fact, it a solo venture I choose to travel now, and though my door remains open to the next, my present is who I am and rather than this bowl of rattan and ceramic, I’ll find something else down the road that represents today.

This was a sad moment, brought tears of regret and sadness and failure, but did not have me feeling insecure with my future only a nostalgic walk along the tragedy of loss. There is much beauty ahead, and like the pleasure this centerpiece brought to my life, there will be many more centers ahead and I do look forward to them all. Yet, inside my heart remains that center I still do yearn, for love is that way that becomes a universal mystique rather than a societal norm.

© Scott F Savage 4/2020