I woke up this morning in tears, I was gasping for air I was crying so hard as the sunlight began to stream in my open window. Today is going to be one of our more gorgeous days of summer, and I am choosing to be a recluse. Don’t applaud me for my willingness with woe, there is a point to my words. Last night I told you all I was suicidal. I am struggling, waking in tears, sobbing, and listening to my past without giving myself any future.
In a dream last night before waking I heard my daughter’s voice saying, ‘where’s daddy?’ and I was nowhere nearby to hold her or comfort her or wipe away her tears. And that is how I woke for the morning. I lost it, because my greatest regret has always been not giving my children the life they deserved. I can only hope they may be happy today and find their way and know that I will always love them. Tomorrow is Father’s day so these feelings have a great bearing on what I am experiencing this weekend.
In the last year and a half I have experienced much loss. A marriage of 30 years unraveled at the beginning of the year of what is now historically called Covid 19. All the confusion of what went wrong in my marriage seemed to bury me in weeks of shelter at home. A friend kindly gave me a dog to help me get through the loneliness, and though he proved to be just that, he certainly did not fill the void of my partner and losing her companionship. In all my bravado I was quite clear our departure was the best that could happen for both of us, though still, my ego was certainly bruised. I know I had fallen out of love years earlier and now the love that I felt was for our children and the family, and for her that was not yet enough. Despite efforts to the contrary my attempts fell flat and so I lived my own life of ‘my time’ and felt this would be our destiny. She made a choice and I had no alternative beyond accepting her decision. This would prove far less difficult than would my relationship with my children.
Experiencing scrutiny from others has never been my strong suit. When my adult children began to react to their parent’s split, I experienced emotions I did not remember might exist. My son turned against me gradually in the initial weeks and it tore me apart. My daughter, and also a colleague – work mate, handling things differently – perhaps carrying a neutrality into the coming months. I worried of course the most about my son, and would often wonder what it was he was hearing. I personally made a choice to never talk about my relationship with their mother hopefully instilling a sense of my taking complete responsibility for my own actions only.
Making that decision also left me fairly alone with my thoughts which can become a festering agony in a life unfulfilled. I have struggled most of my life with self-worth and when push comes to shove the ultimate option seems far more attractive than fighting through. Last night I was at that low point and really didn’t know what to do. I am so sick and tired of my depression and its impact on every aspect of my life. So often do I wish I was of the ‘pull your boot straps up’ mindset but I was never blessed with that. I don’t hold disregard for anyone who does, more envy to be sure.
My immediate reaction with my morning of tears was to carry out my wishes. How perfectly selfish would that be on the eve of Father’s Day. So I start to process in my head well certainly not the eve, and definitely not the day of, so it will be a few days later – again – and then other factors come into play. There are people in my life today who could never forgive me for my actions, and knowing them and how I react to the loss of others would only blame themselves as I would my own self. Thus my reaction to yesterday the suicidal person being able to get past that final moment of reflection before making an ultimate sacrifice. Personally I hope that minute lasts me forever.
I’m in pain this morning. I know reflection will move me forward but I still have to be willing. I will try because I am forced to try not because I necessarily want to, I only have to. My well being is an expectation in my life, the only expectation I should live by. If I could focus on just that one expectations perhaps all of the other resentment feeding moments in our lives could be dissuaded into just giving life the kindness and enrichment it deserves.
Let’s see what the day ahead has in store.