I really do. I cannot help but think of just how pressing my dependence is on a wonderful experience my life has endured. I chose this path on my own, and now I am having a lot of difficulty handling it. A couple of weeks ago, I thought of a vacation I was going on, and knew I would be visiting the Grand Canyon. I thought about stepping off a ledge. Today, we visited the canyon, and I realized just how selfish and horrific my decision would be. I knew already going in I wasn’t going to do anything rash. In fact about a week ago I realized how important my life really is today. I also imagined how the smiles and laughter of all the tourists would turn into confusion and rage at the thought of someone taking their own life.
I think suicide is a real concept in people’s lives and I do believe people have to experience some aspect of a psychosis to pull off such an act. I believe that most people would feel better if they handled their abandonment better than I have in recent weeks. Now today I am faced with again going it alone. I wonder every day, every minute of the day what damage I have done to a person I love very much. Truth be told she is the reason I am sitting here writing these words, because her love, or that fantasy we once lived remains my strength.
I just cannot stay away, for I do surely believe in fate, more specifically than ever before.
I never figured it out
in a world seemingly
a world I didn’t understand
I try to think about other things, moments that can let me feel less tied in, less responsible for causing pain. I think it is easy to feel sorry for yourself when left behind. The reality is I’m alone and there isn’t anything I can do about it, I also cannot really talk to anyone about it. Certainly there are good people here that have listened and would listen again if I asked, however, the reality is, nothing anyone can say will assist me with the grief I feel.
Last week I had contact, the first time in weeks. I felt patronized, and that’s really unfortunate because that thinking was all mine and not hers. The next couple of days we exchanged messages, and that just lit up my world. So I expressed that, and then our lives returned to silence. This week I’ve been strong, giving space, realizing the consequence of my decisions. I fell in love, alone.
So yesterday evening I made a final visit to a familiar gathering place. The last time I was there I looked her in the eye and said even though I knew she would never be here, I still like to come and feel the energy we did create there over the last few years. I know it isn’t the same, though it does offer peace of mind. However that was my last visit.
I feel love walking away, and I need to respect that and let her go. I do know love and will write about its beauty in the coming weeks, but for now, I just need to express this. So why am I sharing it with everyone? I suppose because everyone does know love, and everyone to some degree handles loss and companionship in different manners so if anyone can find a takeaway from this story, it might help them with safeguards before they fall as hard as this story would indicate. Yes, I did fall hard, and the ground is cold.
When love turns away.
This one I took rather hard. I remember the first day I dropped her off from a double date – not sure why we were doubling, I think it was because neither of us drove a car. Anyway, she had these jeans, there is something about a woman and well fitting jeans, and I remember walking her to her door, sort of following behind and imagining we could do something together, she turned to me, and I gave a quick kiss and said good night. She smiled, I was in love. I went back to my friend’s car and the two of them were giggling. They knew.
Our lives together transformed me. We traveled to Europe and though the trip was fascinating we were feeling the end of things, though we were still good friends, perhaps no longer in love, well she wasn’t. However that’s the end of the story, let’s go back.
We became that couple that finished each other’s sentences, we played memory games with lines from movies, we had an intimacy that was beyond anything I knew. I loved every aspect of her, and I told her that often. We decided to move in together, I remember her saying, ‘seems the right thing to do.’ In my own naivete I believed at that point we would likely marry. However, something occurred that would later set a precedent in the remainder of our time together.
I met her parents – we drove out to South Dakota, her dad was a professor of philosophy, this rather tiny charming man, in a leather coat and jeans met us outside his office and we went to dinner. Her mom struck as reserved, but a polite enough woman. It was our return from that travel that struck me. She told me she couldn’t stand her parents, and that because of the way she and her sister were raised, she would never have children. Of course, I wanted kids, so this became one of those not talked about elephants the remainder of our time together.
There was still this happiness though, this incredible passion with one another. We both went back to school to pursue teaching degrees, and we are both still with our respective profession decades later. One day while sitting near a lake’s edge, we got on the subject of loneliness. I said to her for the first time in my life, I feel completely happy, and there is nowhere in my heart where I feel any pangs to bring me anywhere else. I was consumed by my love for her. But then she quietly spoke and words tore a small slice in my heart. She said, ‘there will be a part of me I will never share with anyone, you just have to accept that.’ I laughed and disagreed, but she gave me a look that told me it was true.
We talked for hours then, the whole time she had this twig in her hand from which she gradually removed all the bark. Before we left that afternoon, she gave me the now naked twig. I held onto it for many years, in fact I believe it is still in a box somewhere in my memories of our travels, our time together. That naked twig inspired one of my first published poems. My heart and soul wrote the words.
Sadly, after traveling Europe we returned and something was different. In the coming months we split and my heart was broken. I swore to myself I would never ever give myself so completely to anyone ever again in my life. I held true to that feeling, that testament, even in my marriage, which has no irony, only truth.
With this love, I had discovered the true meaning in all of its highs and lows. I could never imagine again being so much in love with a person that I would give anything in my life to have her back in my arms again. I was committed to keeping my guard.
Turns out years later, many years, I would be mistaken.
I’d like to ask you to live
your heart inside my open palms
forever I’d remember you are so kind
while all around our world is blind.
You told me once you believed in me,
I already knew my answer toward you.
Wherever my life began I did know
no other yours in that than beauty in blue
We knew we couldn’t be and yet we still did
find ways to love one another to hold eyes
would carry my world forward somewhere
forever would my vision hold you so close.
Yet recent reason spoken eternally loud
has told us for now we are not allowed.
I wish it could be happy,
wish I might show you a picture,
wish every day would be the same,
but I discovered it isn’t that way.
I’m told tonight it never was,
all of the imagined fantasy,
the moments of unbridled passion,
were simply a facade, hypocrisy.
I’m standing alone tonight,
afraid of everyone around me.
I let myself take a journey,
and found the bitter end.
Oh to know the magic of happiness
to be able to shed delight
upon every soul our lives encounter
rather the wrath of personal woe.
The expression I carry tonight,
this one, you are imagining,
it is the truth,
my own realization of what once …
what is, what was, what could
forever be this final dignity.
~ finding my way, a personal journey ~
There is no stopping the onslaught,
the defense unravel,
the mind believes,
anyone standing nearby is a toss-away
here to stay.
When people become mean,
we cannot ever imagine that to be
their true intent
we can only ride the crest
of the measure of sadness
Oh, to be in a world where dreams do come true,
where the simple reality
of finding one another
inside each other’s eyes
is well enough
long beyond the analysis
of why this is real,
or convince myself that it is fake.
These tears now,
they want to pour,
they will not be held back,
because if restrained
then the emotion will remain,
and how can we possibly live with ourselves
when told we are
someone we always believed
we were not.
When people become mean,
their hearts find atrophy is forever.
~just finding my way, a personal journey~
A collection of beautiful thoughts, pictures and information
A blog of my struggles with mental illness, social isolation and being transgender n a hostile world.
I read, I write, I sketch. For fun.
Some Things Are Better Off Read
The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination- Albert Einstein
Poetry and words
A place where you can be human.
Poetry that purrs. It's reowr because the cat said so.
Sharing my little corner of the world
A Place to Enjoy the Beauty All Around us.
Every now and then my head is racing with thoughts so I put pen to paper
"She believed she could, so she did." 🌙
Fleeting Emotions, perpetual words.
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