When I was 15 I walked around with a lot of anxiety. I knew quite clearly I loved girls, there was something about their eyes, their walk, a smile that had me feeling nervous anytime I was around one. If conversation ever came around anything sexual, I turned red, and I was known to blush. I’m going to call her Emma Lee. She was 15 too, and I remember telling my friend Jeff I was going to ask her out. He laughed, said she’ll never go out with you. Now I was challenged but it didn’t matter because she was the cutest girl I’d ever seen. So I did, and she said yes.
We went out for two weeks. The first time I kissed her I fell in love. It didn’t matter what we did after that, just being with meant the world. We played around, went to a couple of movies, did the arm around shoulders thing, walked down the street hanging onto each other’s hips like we were holding one another up. A couple of weeks like this went by and we went to the local swimming hole. It was hot enough to be in swim suits, so here I was with Emma Lee, and she was in a bikini, and I could barely hide my 15 year old excitement. I was embarrassed, and whether she knew or not, she was right by my side and she wanted to kiss. We did, we were all alone, I could have gone wherever I wanted with my hands, my mouth, my legs, but I didn’t. I felt like I didn’t want to take advantage of her, or maybe I didn’t want her to feel like I was. So I held back, ready to explode in my swim suit. We laughed, and talked and the afternoon went by, and then I bicycled home with her. I felt something was off.
The next day she broke up with me, said she just wasn’t feeling it. I’ve always wondered if because I held back, she was bored. Shortly after that she started going out with a guy that was twice my size, and I don’t think he waited around. They spent the next couple of high school years together, while I pined every time I saw her in the halls. We ran in different circles the rest of high school, but I couldn’t forget her. She was my first love, my brother called it puppy love. That’s what it was.
That’s when I realized there was no question in my mind that I was in love with the beauty and elegance of woman.