I have good days, ones that I feel will move me forward. I kind of react with a that’s the way it should be attitude and often breathe a sigh of relief. For instance, this weekend, I got together with two very dear friends, one I see frequently, she and I worked together for decades before I started teaching and another high school friend I hadn’t seen for over 40 years. I like staying connected with the positive aspects of my past. I suppose it helps me deal with the fears of the present.
I’m going back up north in a week, and again, once the idea came into my mind, I immediately had my fatalist fantasy roll through my mind. I have spoken to only a few people about my fear of taking my life in the cold depths of Lake Superior, as in my mind secretly I know it would be rather easy and fast, once I got in. That would be he challenge – getting in. I am afraid of cold water as it is so to actually immerse myself enough to go deeper would be a challenge. I would have to have a spot where I could just lose myself in the depths without having to think any further of actually going in the water. I would be in and it would be immediately deep.
This thought goes through my mind. I know the spot. It would be rather easy to do. I wonder sometimes if I could just get lucky and have it be ruled an accident and then no one would have to suffer nearly as much as a self-inflicted reality. These are the thoughts that go through my mind. This weekend, I have had plenty of time to run idea through my head, and tonight I’m in one of those states where I don’t want to go to sleep because I will just wake up in the morning and start the cycle all over again. It is not as much that I am lonely as it is I am depressed and longing for some kind of attention I am not able to satisfy at my own will.
I will use this venue to talk openly about my fears. It is safe enough. There are eyes here I trust and even so, there is far greater anonymity here and the one voice I know sees this knows me awfully will and I trust she will sense the red flags if they arise. The thing about suicidal ideations though is that it is so mysterious and evasive. Once just really doesn’t know, even me, the actor. The person that wants to play out the fantasy. I don’t know if I want to but then I do know, and I just wish it could be easy.
But it is not. Taking one’s own life seems wrong, not because of my exhaustion, but the pain it brings to other people’s lives. This is where the selfishness has to end. It can no longer be just about me it has to include those around me whose lives I touch. I went to the last of my grad parties this weekend, and I am officially removed from my career at my school district. I have a lot of new ahead of me, so the action could be swift. I’m not really afraid of what is ahead of me at all. I have a much greater fear of what I leave behind.
I posted it a picture today of a chair by the lake. The inscription and the quiet and serene look of the setting are completely real. I can picture nothing more beautiful in my mind right now. What a stepping off point that could be. How poetic it may play it to seem. Perhaps it is nostalgic, romantic, just a bit to fairy tale-ish, but nonetheless it does go through my mind.
So my point to all this is for everyone to understand that this does go through a person’s mind. The important piece is for everyone to know I do have people to call. I do reach out when I am in my scariest moment, and will again if that moment reappears. When I go camping, I will let people know where I am going right down to the actual campsite number and location and number of days. It just doesn’t mean that at 2 AM I will have that inclination to contact anyone, but a person can only do so much to keep the realistic side of themselves moving in a positive direction.
My finish is that I am forced to stay in touch with people if I want to stay alive. The solution is that simple.
© Scott F Savage 6/2021
apersonaljourney - stories of love 