The Hours Spent

For that really is what it comes down to when we imagine our time, and how we prioritize our lives. I might spend hours thinking about someone, seldom just something, more aptly someone, and everything else in my life becomes, or remains secondary. I do love to imagine life as being an easy transition from one learning experience to another. Though I have to say, my current state of … mind, is by far the most challenging I have endured for quite some time.To realize perspective it is the fear of every aspect of my life being simply defined by some might call an irrational decision. Though then there are others whom could certainly suggest instinct plays a huge role in deciding how and why we preoccupy our lives with the notions we do in the first place.

I walked into a world I didn’t belong. I wanted to be there, without question. There is something rather enticing about being able to feel something you once believed no longer existed, and that was my reality. I was suddenly drawn to a compassion that excited me, brought me to a place I wouldn’t trade for the world. I discovered truth, a setting in which a part of me became gradually unveiled, peeling away years of doubt and disbelief and disappointment. And yet, the real truth is that as easily as I could let myself fall, the ground no longer soft became a shattering of glass, shards of which that held a certain pale upon my heart.

I’m presently in a coffee shop, a place I love to find inspiration. The beautiful people, the unique personality of life, the observer of human nature that never fails to fascinate. At the same time, I am always sitting here waiting and hoping. In fact I’ve even been confronted on such, told that I would leave myself with certain expectations that could not possibly ever reach fruition. Yet I still show up.

There have been different periods of my life where I believed I could define the ultimate meaning of the term soul-mate. Oh, wonderful relationships where we might finish each other’s sentences, where our touch appeared so symbiotic we would suddenly catch ourselves and cry with genuine laughter. Then there are those moments when it is clear there is something askew about how our lives are meant to travel. In recent months I find I am at war with myself, and more recently, it is evident I am losing the battle.

I have spent hours of my life trying to figure out who I am. Not just recent months as one might imagine, but years and years and decades of indecision. I am traveling rapidly toward my 6th one, and I am still wondering when there might be a consistent happiness in my life. I thought i had found it, in fact, the truth is I still believe I have, but that is where the truth comes into play. The truth is there are not enough hours in the day to come to terms with the realistic nature of how love works in my life and what is the true determining factor of knowing how the essence of a soul-mate works its mystique.

I am sadly convinced I am not a model of the social standard. Rather instead I have found my heart is torn and ripped and left asunder in the magic of a passion far and away beyond the norm of my existence as a human being in our society. Yes, such a wordy and perhaps confusing explanation, but fitting with the cryptic nature of an explanation for what it means to live out so many hours of my life wondering.

I wonder, I wander, I trip upon aimless struggle to find consistency in the eye of love.

To The Readers

I am taking a sabbatical for awhile. I did the same on Twitter recently, Instagram is certainly pending. I just cannot write about this anymore. As much as I want to my heart hurts and the confusion in my head is beyond speakable. It has been a tough winter, and these three days of arctic blast have given me an opportunity to make final efforts that have not met the light I hoped. There have been days when I just wanted to check out altogether because the people I read here write about such lovely ideals and experiences and fantasies, all of which entice me when in the right frame of mind.

I’m not in that frame of mind. I’m struggling to define my next chapter alone. I have a partner at home whom I don’t know yet, I do everything for and feel little to nothing in return. So what will be this chapter? I don’t know.

The only answer I have right now is I don’t want to leave here, but I cannot stay if the inspiration, the mystique, the muse of writings can no longer be found. Oh yes, there are many of you that inspire me, don’t misinterpret, but my real, that genuine aspect of what defines love in my life – perhaps that is my chapter, to help find meaning in this stage of my life.

I will occasionally post but not at the rate I have been and the topic or subject will be vastly different, perhaps more personal, a struggle of sorts … take care.

Love and many enticing and embracing words to all of you …

EM

My last post, ‘When There In The Moment’ is my best explanation.

Because I Wanted What You Held Inside

yes, it was the passion in your eyes,

the way your words drove me,

made me want to never look away,

for you to know I was there,

searching, desire, a certain lust of your being,

and I did stay with you for as long as you might let me

if it meant one day

I would find myself inside of you, journeying further as your own need,

drove me to explore every aspect of whom you might be,

woman,

exquisite in all of your natural magic,

I would listen to your whisper in my ear,

that final meant to be endeared gasp,

that, ‘yes now, I want you to be inside of me’

that this is whom we are,

and found together

our center is a one ness,

a trivial description,

yet in sweet simplicity,

I have been allowed to  know

woman