Because I Have Known Love

love

I will write to the words and the dreams,

I’ll find solace in feeling this is real,

the notes in my melody,

the wit, spoken, felt in a good phrase,

a sunny morning,

the frost on winter’s edge,

all beautiful reminders of that which is

her.

 

In a quiet meadow,

I can see two lovers

the breeze tangling their hair

so the onlooker has no possibility

of witnessing that love

their eyes share together

in the autumn sky,

watching time say good bye.

 

I once knew a woman,

she once told me,

we were in love

we knew the travels ahead

would send us down different paths

and yet,

we struggled through the high brush,

for each time we were lost

our eyes

would meet again, traversing a sweet terrain.

 

Because I have known love, I have witnessed a reckoning,

a butterfly on a soft shoulder leaves me envious in a kiss


~ finding my way, a personal journey

to Zelda with love


photo – pinterest

Trying To Find My Way

stoic rejection

A quiet exists, in reason, in heed,

yet such is the mental anguish of silence.

A man wants some center to love

while she is in balance with need.

 

He will now toward a lonely sojourn

with hope might she find some peace

along the way, a soft reminder,

a memory, an embrace, a tear.

 

Will we always wish upon desire more,

he holds a soft chuckle, a stoic cry,

for in a single minute the vacancy

affords our capacity a dream, a despair.

 

Oh, he might wish until the next moon

a spiritual conveyance of this

a thoughtful love, sweet remind

the playful nature lost in serious tone.

 

He would might the next day be gone

for the only sunrise might be her eyes


photo found on Pinterest

~ finding my way, a personal journey

for Zelda

If I Could Hold You

I would not want to let you go,

feeling your soft reaction to fingertips

touching your cheek,

your eyes searching for reason,

and me,

my eyes watching you,

the sweet response of lips that would touch,

if only in my imagination,

I could,

perhaps I would then,

hold onto your passion forever.

 

I was driving home tonight,

and took an exit that reminded me

of you,

everything I do,

the places I go,

when I can,

I remember looking to my side,

seeing you there,

perhaps a hand on my shoulder,

the most sensual nature

of sweet love,

a reckoning of our reality.

 

If when I do think of you,

if I might,

would you be alright

if then we might imagine

somehow, someway, if life were sweet,

if I could hold you … forever.


~ finding my way, a personal journey ~

Sun Shine Afternoon

I wonder, remember, imagine,

want to know her,

what is the reaction she is having on such is this

a wonderful sunny afternoon,

the energy he feels

so often shared in brief moments of passion,

the icy nature of winter’s breeze

softened by the touch of her

sweet mystique

his cheek

melting as the center of his world

begins a subtle ignite,

as in his own desire,

a certain hope

her fire within

might match the heat

the morning sunlight provide

letting the licks of love

slide deep into this afternoon salad.


~ finding my way, a personal journey ~

for Zelda

I Remember

The first time

she giggled and I blushed

 

I remember the heat on the

back of my neck

when I realized

she could see my

excitement

was about her.

expressive eyes.

 

I remember wanting

all of my words

to move her,

let her decide

if I was worth her

attention

or a passing fantasy.

 

We would walk in woods

together in hand

imagining only the

real where we stood

in wonder.

 

I remember glancing

at moons

where by then

she brought me in her backyard

with the sounds in a nighttime sky

outside her

bedroom window.

 

There have been

now

those moments

when s full moon

will let me feel her

by my side.

 

I remember wishing every memory

I have with her remain only our own.

 

~ finding my way, a personal journey ~

– for Zelda

 

 

When Love Consumes

We forget where it is we begin,

we can be traveling down the road,

a familiar song,

that melody I listened to when I was 17

and all I needed was a good lyric

to believe the compassion

I might be feeling in the moment.

 

I could often times feel so in love with

the idea

of being in love,

knowing I would give my heart to her,

or was it simply I wanted that touch,

that feeling of knowing

I was perhaps the one being loved.

 

I find it funny now when I think about

all the energy I spent

trying to find her,

and never really believing I would,

until over time,

I discovered there was nothing in between …

either I was completely lost in her eyes,

or this was simply a fantasy.

 

The former seemed safe, I could go forward

knowing again that someone, this one,

she did love me,

she told me so on so many occasions

and I believed her

because I did love her too.

I don’t think I could have let myself be convinced

if I did not give myself completely to her.

 

Yet somewhere down the road, I became consumed

and I forgot to lend her a hand to come along in my eyes.


~ finding my way, a personal journey ~

– for Zelda

A Story of Love

I know this woman, knew this woman, I know this woman today. See the very confusion of that opening line should indicate how difficult it is within this story for me to find my way. I suppose it all began when I was 15 years old. I met a woman, a classmate whom I was infatuated with and wanted to ask her out. My best friend told me she wouldn’t give me the time of day, but he was wrong. We started dating and she was my first kiss.

I remember it well, it was at a local beach in our hometown, where we were going swimming. She was gorgeous and her body was asking me to love her, all teenager and bursting in her bikini. Being the boy I was, I had to hide my excitement, though, nowadays I know she knew. Here’s where things get dicey.

We started making out, and I held back, because I was scared. Oh I wanted to touch every part of her body, and she might have wanted the same, but I couldn’t. I wanted her to know how much I respected her. Our little courtship went on a few more weeks until she had had enough and started dating a guy from the football team. I’m pretty sure they found their way quickly because she never looked back, and me, I pined over her the rest of my high school years.

Years later, in college I met the woman of my dreams. She was tall and elegant and postured in such a way that anything she wore around her body was sensually driving my mind. She had a pair of rain boots that were the sexiest in the world, and I just thought I needed to walk through puddles with her one day. We dated for over four years, had probably some of the best sex of my life, but it really wasn’t sex, it was to me, love. I’d never felt so close to someone in my life, and yet, I couldn’t consummate our love-making beyond doing everything else but intercourse. I felt like if I did that, I would be obligated to marry her. My upbringing again, stalled so many of my moments. I remember she and I would find each other after weeks, go back to each other’s apartments and spend the next day or two in bed, frustrating ourselves to no end. And yet, in the end, we knew we loved each other.

For years after we parted we wrote one another letters. These were the kind that romanticists have struggled to recreate for years. Back then, we didn’t have email, the internet, snapchat, twitter – anything. If we wrote one another, we’d have to wait a couple of days before we knew they would receive it. We wrote over 100 letters back and forth, and in the meantime, she had started dating an old high school friend of mine. One time she told me how upset he was to see her walking up her long gravel road on a summer’s day, reading yet another letter from me. We wrote more discreetly after that, eventually moved to different cities and began lives with new people.

I married, and ironically, she is someone I’ve never written a letter to. Perhaps some poems around anniversaries and birthdays but even then those never felt nearly as thrilling and exhilarating as the ones I shared with Jane. I’ll call her Jane because it is safe to say, we may never cross paths again, though I do often hope she wonders about me even half the time I do think about her.

So, where dose this all lead. I’ll finish here soon, I promise. there is a point and it is a romantic one. Fast forward ten years, I’ve been married, have two beautiful children and experience a certain unhappiness in my world I cannot shake. I struggle with the obligation of maintaining my vows with the uncertainty of a man feeling lost in the pained expression of societies mores. That sounds all heady and everything but the reality is, as I write this today, I’ve spent the last 30 years in a marriage of convenience. It is a terrible thing for a man to say, but it is my truth. I love my spouse with all my heart, but I do not love her. Some of you get that, some of you don’t care. I can live with that.

Here’s the point.

I met someone in grad school years ago. I didn’t take the class expecting to meet this person. However, she walked into the classroom a sunny, summer day, and it was one of those moments when I could not help to look away for fear she might see me falling in love with her in the moment. We did over the course of the next few weeks become close, and started sharing laughs and time together. When the class ended I walked out of her life with an email address, having spent the night before at a theatre performance with her by my side, the two of us telling one another years later the closeness drove us both crazy wild with passion.

I wrote her a letter initially expressing how much I loved knowing her and sharing time with her. I got a response a couple of days later, and there it began. For years I had been searching for my soul-mate in words, my muse, my woman of mystique who might respond to all of my tellings in my poetic verse. Her words came back to me as if we were writing a Zelda & Scott testimonial of true love and romance. We did eventually find ourselves wanting to be with one another, and in the shadows of our real lives we began a courtship of passion and honesty.

One day, in the throes of realizing who we were without the constraints of our marriages, I took the leap and told her ‘I love you’ and she gave me a look that suggesting I was destroying our moment that was well enough without complication. It would be years later I would discover I misread the moment, and even though for that time our demise fell upon us, we both would realize a decade or more later, we did know what love is.

For now, I will stay here in this moment, and let you imagine the next few years … the story continues. The greatest takeaway I want the reader to know is how after all these years of my protestations that I would not ever give myself completely to a woman again, well, I realized I was wrong … again.


~ finding my way, a personal journey ~