There will always be a sadness with loss. We watch the process of aging with a somber reality. It is always difficult to say good-bye. I still have constant conversations with my parents, long passed in decades. Whenever I know someone going through the same I try to encourage those conversations. When we lose someone with a sudden impulse it may be difficult to have a two way dialogue until we might well process the confusion. I think that reality helps me and others that resort to a hopeless demeanor come to know the beauty of fighting through our depression, our inability to cope, our suggestive nature of taking a drastic step toward ending our lives.
I’ve been there many times, often the result of situational pain, but even so the regularity of my life becomes burdensome and I will certainly fantasize the reality of my exhaustion helping push the edge. Though there are moments that keep me moving forward if I find the opportunity to ready myself for that next experience. I taught in high school for nearly half my life and in that time experienced much crisis with students and many end of the year conversations with crying alumni in my classroom near the end of the school year. I remember one time in particular a student with a rather distant attitude toward their need to get through the responsible academic needs ahead, spent the better part of an hour with me crying in my room. The reality was overwhelming and he was still a child at 18 experiencing a wonder of pain. I told him my life story hoping some aspect would help him grasp high school to be a brief part of his journey.
Years later as a teacher I reflected increasingly on my own academic experience in high school. I use to carry around my disdain as a badge of honor, but gradually realized the merit both professionally and personally with finishing high school. The burden of failure is always with us. I am fortunate to have fought through my moments of loss of my own confidence and ability to see a light at the end of the tunnel but truly I am grateful with every moment I do.
So I’ve strung a few days together, and tomorrow I leave for a week of peace along the Temperance river along the magical waters of Lake Superior. It will be there my soul searching allows me to take pleasure in living another day, and stringing those moments together until God-willing my greater peace of mind restores my faith in purpose.
Good night all.
© Scott F Savage 7/2021