Losing My Muse

The truth is, years ago, I fell in love with a woman who one day decided her life was moving in a different direction and I was left behind. My recovery took many years, in fact a friend of mine, one time pointed out that for several days all I did was talk about the loss, and I needed to change my focus.

So I did, after some time, I knew I was still in love, but ironically, I found out she had been sleeping with my best friend for months, so suddenly everything made sense, and I started to get past my broken heart. The one thing I said to myself was that I would never fall in love to such a degree again.

Jump a few years later and I decided to settle down with a woman whom had similar goals as mine – we got married, but I knew going in – this is a sad reality – I would never love again the way I had. I would simply be content. We have beautiful children together and we made a life. Sadly though I’ve never been happy, and I cannot imagine she has been. Despite it all we stayed together.

Embedded within all of this common reality is an experience I discovered while in grad school. Many years ago, I met a woman whom carried a similar energy as my own. We began writing letters and discovered a love for words, something I had missed with a woman for many many years. we then took it a step further and became intimate, spreading years between those early days of romantic parchment to now an enticement with one another. One day, in the winter, very much like our present season, I felt I must tell her that I loved her, and I did, but she heard me wrong – and the timing unraveled our affections. We had been walking around with an ‘is this all there is’ and I was afraid to tell her that I loved her because I thought I would lose her. It back fired and we fell apart. I returned fully – as much as possible – to my marriage, a broken and confused man – struggling with my reality, while a woman I loved faded out of my life.

I looked for her over the years, knew where she was but let her go. I even deleted her phone number so I wouldn’t be tempted. It wasn’t until years later I discovered she would call my voice mail with certain music that touched my heart.

A few years ago, a decade after we had gone our ways we did encounter one another, and over the course of several months we realized we were both quite in love, and our courtship outside of our marriages began again. We expressed our desires at the same time knowing we could not maintain the level of passion we experienced together but we always assured ourselves we probably would never leave this in the same circumstances as years ago.

I had found my muse and the mystique of her beauty and elegance became again, as it was without her directly in my life, the drive for my sensual poetry. Now, I am in a place where I no longer have the inspiration and that aspect of my writing is impacted, so I struggle with my words.

The one true thing I will finish with is I’ve just written a fantasy that I hope you the readers might have enjoyed. Because, there seems no reality in my words.

So now my days are spent searching for my muse, knowing love once again played its harmony with great zeal and slapped my heart and soul with disparaging abandon.

To The Readers

I am taking a sabbatical for awhile. I did the same on Twitter recently, Instagram is certainly pending. I just cannot write about this anymore. As much as I want to my heart hurts and the confusion in my head is beyond speakable. It has been a tough winter, and these three days of arctic blast have given me an opportunity to make final efforts that have not met the light I hoped. There have been days when I just wanted to check out altogether because the people I read here write about such lovely ideals and experiences and fantasies, all of which entice me when in the right frame of mind.

I’m not in that frame of mind. I’m struggling to define my next chapter alone. I have a partner at home whom I don’t know yet, I do everything for and feel little to nothing in return. So what will be this chapter? I don’t know.

The only answer I have right now is I don’t want to leave here, but I cannot stay if the inspiration, the mystique, the muse of writings can no longer be found. Oh yes, there are many of you that inspire me, don’t misinterpret, but my real, that genuine aspect of what defines love in my life – perhaps that is my chapter, to help find meaning in this stage of my life.

I will occasionally post but not at the rate I have been and the topic or subject will be vastly different, perhaps more personal, a struggle of sorts … take care.

Love and many enticing and embracing words to all of you …

EM

My last post, ‘When There In The Moment’ is my best explanation.

When There in the Moment

cafe

At first glance

I knew immediately

how could one not

recognize whom we grow to love

when confronted

by their reality.

 

She was looking forward,

I felt safe

if only, sheltered,

let my hand rest on a chair

nearby,

we could hear one another breathe

if she knew I was there.

 

I imagined to myself,

if this is real,

she will know I’m here

turn around

smile or walk away,

I let a dream happen in my mind

years ago the same

occurred.

 

Yet today is

was

different

her confidence in posture

seemed unreachable

seemed meant

for someone else’s touch,

their arms, lips, eyes,

I was afraid to move.

 

I then stepped backward,

quiet,

the silence was a weight

I could not overcome,

I felt the emotion

of taking risks,

of looking in one another’s eyes

and knowing

we could not

though desperate in our passion

we could.

 

Moments later,

a stroll down the cobblestone,

I found a new cafe,

settled in outside

still she was in my mind.

I took one sip of a

fashionable latte,

then,

I looked away.


~ finding my way, a personal journey ~

for Zelda with love

 

photo – Pinterest

Speaking to Silence

6b68c20d-d44b-49bc-b0d1-a463d14b12cd

choose words that would

convey meaning

in eyes when together.

 

questions arise

only in the mind

how to say.

 

did this accentuate

shattered fragments

that remain in a heart

 

might a word possibly

speak to misery

enough for a reader

 

to wonder why

she hears a cry

each morning try

 

today though she knows just where

yet wanders outside into the cold

knowing still … will he always try.

The Wonder of Time

If I might in the quiet of my silent memory

imagine a kiss, soft, a velvet touch

a naked shoulder,

fingertips that would play upon welcome

sweet response, asking my hands

to stay there forever.

 

If I might remember just when

a time we could laugh,

with such unbridled release of our

own inhibitions,

we did,

we traveled far, quickly,

it was love,

a passion that did define my soul.

 

If I might, if I could,

if everything that began

might revisit, remain, return

in some manner

to allow me to realize

this was real

without leaving me wandering

alone

in a wonder of disbelief.

 

If I could, might I sweet always dream.

I Knew Love

Now when I see passion

spread upon satin sheets entwined

a pang remains

reminders

a fantasy might travel miles

yet the road runs out

a barren landscape

whereby recall

manifests a desert of wander

trying in desperation

chilly oasis

of familiarity.

 

Now today only reminders

of the changing winds

no longer prevailing

far away

and brisk

with a certain chill

suggests some frozen reality?

lost inside the fear

when will be

a thaw

 

That if will not return …

Trying To Find Her

Oh the effort is clear

for someone so dear

one might wander all

the reason of love we call

 

our own heart has an ache

we feel it with ever stake

of scrutiny our mind compels

when wonder silent tells

 

I walked outside in arctic

waves, freezing is so cryptic

to know our lives in balance

hang before our only chance

 

I’m lounging in the sea you see

wanting only my mind to be free

So Many Remembers

There are days

upon waking

when as the sunlight slats

my life, my world,

when told we must begin,

I lay in bed in sweet recall,

oh it is another

remember when

her touch,

my fingertips

run along the scalp of her forehead,

only the real,

a movement, opportunity

to be with one another

having little desire

to move beyond just this

while finding eyes.

 

Oh I do have recalls,

the tears immediate

the results are always now

meant to be the same,

to find love

beyond the shadows

the real,

is a nostalgic remedy

to the loss

of some imaginative reality.

 

I remember when …

I remember when …

 

I wonder if when together our memory

is stronger when we wander

together in the quiet

hands touching

our minds thinking only this moment

when the forest is forever

our footsteps on the matted trail

the beauty of such

is what we once knew

love

is now a memory.

 

Perhaps it might be impossible to imagine

love can ever be lost

when we might find ourselves

caught up in a flurry

of

remember when

delight in passion meant a way

to erase a day

if only I might have

her

in my arms …

 

Remember …


~ finding my way, a personal journey ~