This is such a difficult topic. We seldom want to go here and the people that do, I admire because somehow they are able to tap into those demons, the ones that leave me in a constant of revealing my darkest terrors. I honestly don’t know if I will get there yet.
Everything I write about in here is about love, and there is pain in love, I get it, and I understand, but I don’t wish to comprehend it. I don’t want to face it, I don’t want to accept the pain that goes with love. I don’t want to be that guy that is just hurting, because if that is all I express, how can that person I love have any patience with any effort I put toward letting her know how I feel.
I don’t think that is a question in the mind of someone who has separated themselves from that person who they know holds onto a candle of hope. Their choice is to occupy their lives with priorities that no longer offer memories, and for me that is one of the most tragic parts of who we are, were, or ever could be. I am completely lost and I have these moments of pure defeat that leave me wondering what purpose I have for trying to move forward.
I got really sick a month ago, found myself in the hospital, and the one person I wanted to hear from wants nothing to do with me. This is preservation on her part, and I get it but this is also my lesson in love, and it is the hardest study I have ever endured.
I’m speaking from my heart, and I do not want sympathy, I just appreciate being able to tap into this when I can.